One of my all-time favorite Yo Gabba Gabba songs (shut up) is the song Muno & his slightly dildo-ish family sing about being a family.
The fact that all the males in Muno’s family have bumps and all the females are smooth makes me feel weird. Is it some sort of subtle commentary on hair removal for women? A segue into a birds-and-bees conversation? A cautionary tale about STDs? WHAT IS GOING ON.
The song (of which I can’t find a video anywhere online because it’s 1997 all of a sudden), is really sweet and immensely catchy, and highlights the unique personalities of each of Muno’s family members (“I’m Muno’s Mom! I like chihuahuas and Chinese noodles!”) before returning to the refrain: “1-2-3-4-5 people are in my family/We are best friends/We love each other/That’s my family!” etc., etc., etc., long story short, I’ve been singing this song since January.
And if you are getting ready to label me as a crazy Yo Gabba Gabba fan whose adoration knows no bounds, allow me to share with you that I draw the line at the Magic Dance Hat. I think.
OK, maybe just let me put it on for, like, five minutes.
So, here’s where things get weird(-er): When I first heard this song, it made me sad. Granted, this was back when my hormones were going apeshit from weaning (“My boobs are useless AND SO IS LIVING.”), but it still gives me a little twinge in my chest when I hear the “we are best friends, we love each other” part because…well, SO MUCH about my experiences with family falls way short of “best friend” status, and while we do love each other, it’s just so much more complicated than that. In short: WHY CAN’T LIFE BE AS SIMPLE AS YO GABBA GABBA SONGS?
Think me up an answer to that shit, homes!
Before I delve any deeper into this subject, allow me to explain to you the kind of family I have, because I think that’s important here. Families come in so many different varieties, and I’m not just referring to the single mom/single dad/ two mommies/two daddies designation.
And Lord forbid you fall into the “My Two Dads” category.
No, the family classification I’m talking about has more to do with things like how you argue, how you spend holidays, how you do (or don’t) stay in touch, and how you all relate to each other as adults. These are the things I think really create a family’s dynamic. I don’t care if you were raised by your queer grandmother and I was raised by a heterosexual married couple; if you ALSO find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid conflict and weathering months- (and sometimes years-) long grudges, WE HAVE MUCH TO DISCUSS, MY FRIEND.
Anyhoo, my family can be summed up thusly:
- We like to ignore messy problems. Actually, scratch that: 50% of us like to ignore messy problems, and the other 50% like to bring up said problems at the worst possible time and get everyone all worked up, which usually results in…
- GRUDGES. There is one main person who holds grudges in our family, and it sucks. Mostly because half the time? You aren’t even aware this person is upset with you until it’s too late. Which is adjacent to another family-wide issue:
- We don’t tell each other when we’re hurt or angry. Instead, we let it fester, come to a head, incite a major fight, get a couple grudges out of it, and then maybe — MAYBE! — temporarily patch things over months and months later, but the root issue is never really resolved. But we’re not all bad. We also…
- Are able to have a good time around each other. We can go on vacations together without wanting to saw off each other’s heads by Day Two. Which is kind of amazing, because…
- We have all cultivated very different belief systems. Well, OK, mostly it’s ME who has the “very different belief system,” but still, even though the other members of my family agree on most major things, they have amongst each other some pretty different opinions on things (see: messy problems, ignoring of; grudges, holding).
- We leave a whole shit-ton unsaid. Because we are all very different people, I don’t think any of us has ever had a really, truly in-depth conversation with another member of the family (save for my parents talking to each other, I’d imagine). There is always so much that has to be hidden in the name of maintaining peace and harmony, and sometimes I think we just plain can’t predict how the other person will react, so we keep it in. And although it’s an unrealistic expectation, I feel disappointed and almost embarrassed that we aren’t all best friends or something. I feel like I should be able to blame this on sitcoms. WE ARE NOT THE HUXTABLES, INTERNET, AND NOT JUST BECAUSE WE DON’T DANCE DOWN STAIRCASES ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS.
- We don’t stay in touch very well. This makes us all a) feel guilty, and b) blame all other parties in the family for their shitty staying-in-touch skills.
- Last but not least, we love each other. I mean, of course we do. And we are able to genuinely enjoy each other’s company (as long as we all take pains to ignore the “messy” topics). Go us!
I realize that my family is not unique in many (or most) of these ways, but I’ve always felt that — I don’t know — we could be enjoying each other more? Trying to understand each other more? A little slower to shut down whenever someone says something that falls beyond the parameters of what we’re comfortable with? Something like that. And, of course, having Sadie has brought this stuff to the forefront of my mind, because I sure as hell don’t want HER to feel as though she has to keep things from me, or that she can’t be her real self around me for fear that I won’t understand, or — worse — that I’ll judge her. Honestly, the thought of that fucking kills me, Internet.
I’m not saying I want my daughter to be one of those people [I never, ever believe] who say “my mom is my best friend!” because, NO, I do not want that. I’m not her best friend, I’m her mother. We’re not peers. I was alive 32 years before she came along, and I don’t know about you, but most of my BFFs did not pass me through their genitals. I want her to share things with me and enjoy spending time with me, sure, but I’m not looking to redefine the mother-daughter relationship here.
“I’m a cool mom!”
I won’t (or will try not to) guilt-trip her into calling me or visiting me, because I want her to want to call me and visit me. I don’t want her to feel like she has obligations to me (well, besides the obligation of maybe picking a half-decent nursing home for my old, incontinent ass to play Scrabble in), because frankly, I’ve never really understood the whole “obligation” aspect of family. Perhaps the Internet can clear this up for me…
I remember watching an episode of the Golden Girls (not sure which one — maybe the one where Blanche had sex and they all ate cheesecake? Yeah, that one) in which Sophia tells Dorothy “We do for family.” That has always stuck in my head — probably because I don’t understand (or don’t like) what it means. I just have a hard time with the whole “duty to family” thing. Sure, I cut my family a whole hell of a lot more slack than I ever would a friend or coworker, and I can’t ever imagine extracting myself from their lives altogether…but where does it stop? Do you have to stand by family members even when they’re being abusive and destructive (or self-destructive)? Do you owe them X amount of loyalty just because you share blood and a childhood? How far does the obligation go?
Just so we’re clear, I’m not necessarily referring to situations like, say, caring for an elderly parent, or giving your ancient Aunt Yvonne a lift to the podiatrist every week. I absolutely feel a sense of duty towards older family members who are lonely and/or need extra help in certain areas, but I also want to be there for them. I don’t have any grandparents still living, but if they were, I might not consider a 3pm dinner with them the most scintillating time I’ve ever had, but I’d want to do it.
I suppose I’m referring to family members who are of (theoretically) sound mind and body, but who seem to be constantly bringing The Shit down upon themselves and — in most cases — distributing it among family members so that everyone is suddenly fucking miserable as a result of one person’s drama. YOU KNOW those relatives. The perpetual victims who constantly turn to brothers, sisters, parents, even children for whatever the Need o’ the Day is (usually money, head-patting, and sympathy). I have a relative like this in the outer orbit of my family, and Internet, I’m just about fucking done. Because the selfishness and disrespect and — without revealing too much — the certain activities that are not on the up-and-up are fucking constant with this person. But this person is also a part of a family, and as such, deserves some loyalty, protection, and love, right? If your family won’t give you a second (and third, and FIVE-MILLIONTH) chance, who will?
This is veering precariously close to Intervention territory (which is, uh, no small coincidence), and having watched my fair share of episodes, the whole “enabling” aspect of family is something I think about regularly. Of course, having Sadie has given a whole new dimension to the parents I see on that show struggling to kick their addict children out onto the streets FOR THEIR OWN GOOD. They have to shun them as a last resort to save them, making tough love seem like the polar opposite of “doing for family.” But when a person has become toxic and manipulative and destructive in that many ways, what choice do you have? Even if it is a person you’ve known since the first breath they drew on Earth?
I am not generally a person who thinks in black and white. I believe the entire fucking experience of living is one giant shade of gray, and I like it that way. But for whatever reason, the realm of family dynamics is the one area where I want the rules to be clear. Here are my obligations, here’s when it’s OK to ignore them. Here’s permission to believe that your own daughter won’t feel similarly conflicted about you.
Wow. I think this is the most scatterbrained Deep Thoughts I’ve ever posted. Apologies if it’s not making any sense to you, because I’m not sure it’s making any sense to me. At any rate, please tell me your thoughts in the comments, Internet.
“If you don’t, that’s fine. I understand. You know, some blogs have readers who comment EVERY TIME, but you’re busy, I understand that. Did I mention the doctor told me there might be something wrong with my heart? Oh, but you don’t need to be bothered with such details. *siiiiiigh*”
I think that you are colossally fucked up and there is no hope in the universe for you, your child, or any of the four successive generations that are bred of your loins.
Actually, I should just email you what I think. Sometimes it’s better to keep shit off the internet. You never know who’s going to read it.
When I read the first sentence of this comment, I had to stop and wonder how the voice inside my head figured out how to comment on my blog.
And I have given serious thought to pulling this post because I am terrified it will be read by family members. WEEEE!
PS. Woo-HOO! First comment! I am so pathetic that all I do is sit around and hit refresh on your site. And then I comment first. And I am proud of this.
Um…is constantly refreshing my site pathetic? I DO NOT THINK SO, SIR.
Jeez. First TWO comments. How long can I keep this up? Am I also #3?
YES!!! #3! I am the most awesome commenter in the whole world. I’m going to send an email to all the members of my ridiculously functional family and tell them that I am a good commenter, and they will all be very proud of me, because we are all very supportive of each other and have strong relationships built on a foundation of trust and mutual admiration and a strong sense of mutual boundaries.
trufact: when I click on your name, it activates my work computer’s porn filters.
I have very, very limited expectations for certain family members. When I give I expect nothing in return, which is usually what I get, with a helping of shit on the side. Cutting them off isn’t feasible, so I just know that everything will be a hassle and prepare accordingly. And I wonder all the time how my kids will feel about me in 20 years. (I think anything under 25 is teen angsty crap; I’m sure I will be a stupid outdated idiot up till then.)
I think lowered expectations is — as usual — the best way to go.
So, I sent out that email I talked about in my awesome missive “Comment Number Four,” and my sister already responded. She called me on the phone to let me know that she agrees that I am a great commenter. And then we talked a while about how well we get along, and how well we always got on when we were kids, and how there’s no weird awkward sexual tension lingering between us as a result of a highly oppressive and militaristically puritanical upbringing by domineering parents. Because that’s not how we were raised. We were raised in a very open and loving home in which everyone shared the exact right amount of information and affection with each other.
I hope you then agreed to perform a choreographed routine to an old blues song at your next family gathering.
I had to cut off a family member because of that person’s behavior. It makes me sad, but it helps me stay more sane.
I think sometimes that is the bottom line. SANITY! Who knew?
My family is just collectively odd enough to need to cling together in our awesomeness. The man’s parents, however, still do not acknowledge that we got divorced, and I am introduced firmly as “Mike’s wife” to everyone. I was going to correct them at the reunion, but then Uncle McDrunkyPaws was overheard to say, “What? He married above him, look at her!” and I decided to let it ride.
Also Simon just got a lot more interesting to me. Watch it, Simon.
For a long time (even AFTER we were engaged), Brad’s mother introduced me as his “friend.” And that was fun. Here’s to not acknowledging major relationship changes!
I’ve felt for a long time that the family relationships that are disfunctional, that you can’t avoid, are truly glaring examples of what NOT to do. So for me personally, the bad examples I have seen in my family growing up have taught me actually what the right things to do are.
Every family has people that don’t get along with each other. Sometimes that situation is extreme where that person is calling you in the middle of the night to harass you and you have changed your cell #, completely blocked them from Facebook and e-mail (been there). I have always felt it was best to avoid these people. Why put yourself through the stress of being around them or having your kids be around them? Life is too short to spend it with people that cause anxiety and stress, family or not.
In a completely unrelated note, you seriously need to devote a post to Teen Mom. I got hooked on this show and have no one to discuss crazy Amber or poor Catelynn’s crazy mom with.
Dude. Teen Mom is tearing me UP. I have a friend who also watches it, and I have to email him every Wednesday morning all “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH AMBER?!!!”
BTW, did you know that the local police are investigating Amber’s domestic violence in the past few episodes? THANK GOD.
Oh thank God someone is looking in to Amber! She is whacked. Plus that guy she went on a date with (that she met at WAL-MART!) was creepy. Someone needs to look in to Catelynn’s mom. They are broke but she is driving a BMW?! The way she treats Catelynn is awful.
I agree! What is wrong with Amber! Hahah…I just watched the Teen Mom Marathon all day yesterday.
I’m sorry, I’m a bad reader; I love your blog, but only lurk, as I am a lazy no-good at heart. That said, this post in particular rang some bells for me. My family is nice, but with it’s own variety of problems, some more extreme than others. As a result of some of the latter, I was once told by a therapist, “Look, show me a family that is not dysfunctional, and I’ll show you a family of one.” I was also told, at about the same time, “You have to love family. You don’t have to like them though.”
Those two things have helped me a lot, oddly. My husband and I have a 13 year old son, and I have to say that, while I’m totally with you on the Mom as Best Friend thing (ick), the three of us are good friends. Yeah, I know that will change shortly, but I also know, because I have an awesome grown up step son, that it will change back again.
You two are clearly great parents, and that’s where it all starts. I differentiate between family of origin and family of choice. With the latter, you get out of this family stuff what you put into it, and what you guys are putting into it is clearly the right stuff. Keep it up.
Aw, thanks. I agree about the whole “don’t have to like them but you do have to love them” thing, but for some reason it just KILLS me because I WANT TO LIKE THOSE CRAZY ASSHOLES! I DO!
Thanks for commenting.
Back in 1996, I planned a vacation to see my mother (out of state – plane ride involved). My grandmother’s house happened to be sold at the same time, so my vacation got hijacked into a packing/moving fest. YAY vacation. One thing after another “You are just like your damn father.” “Well you married him.” she dropped me off at the hotel where I was supposed to meet my shuttle back to the airport – several hours early. That was the last time I saw her.
Several years later, she contacted me to get her brother’s address, so that my sister could have it for an invitation to her wedding… (She threw in “By the way I had skin cancer” I replied with “Oh, I had lumps removed from my breasts.”)
Then nothing for several more years. She sent a card after the birth of my son.
(She previously held a grudge with her brother for about 10 years – he told my father when she took us during a bitter custody battle…)
Mix in a bunch of crap with my sister – who I have not seen since 1990 – including stuff not on the up&up, children out of wedlock, instilling values that I cannot condone, etc. (Including disowning the first 2 that she lost because of that not on the up&up stuff.) Before my grandmother died, I heard that she had abandoned her family again & was incommunicado. (Now that my grandmother is dead, I don’t have any connection. Because if my father is in contact, he is not a communicator.)
& then there is my BIL, the bigot. He seriously referred to the Ethiopian police officers in Israel as monkeys. & His mother wonders why I want NOTHING to do with him. He has made similar comments since then to his brother (my husband) on the phone, so he is not “all better” & I still don’t want my son exposed to that…
We are all far enough apart (California, Colorado, Texas, New York, Maryland, & Massachusetts are all repsresented here at one point or another. We are all in separate states/regions now…)
(Now I have to wonder how much of this crap is all my fault…)
Damn was that too much?
Of course not. Man, I’m sorry about all the family strife you’ve had to endure. Some of it sounds eerily similar to the family member I was talking about above. I guess sometimes (like in this case) it’s just healthier when everyone goes their separate ways. It still hurts, though.
Dude. This is the kind of post where I wish we were talking about it in person instead of posting/commenting about it, because there is just SO MUCH TO SAY and so many directions to say it in. I almost didn’t comment just because I got so overwhelmed with the SHEER VOLUME of thoughts this kind of topic causes to…sprout, or whatevs.
Anyway, the three thoughts that are making themselves loudest are:
1. I have some huge problems with my mom on a few huge topics (homosexuality, abortion, race, divorce, religion, politics—are those big enough?), and sometimes I totally despair about it. Because we get along GREAT and have a close and chatty relationship, and I love going shopping with her and talking with her—but isn’t it FREAKY that we could disagree SO PROFOUNDLY on so many important things and nevertheless maintain something we call a relationship? I mean, WTF is that about? And when one of those things does break through our unspoken agreement to keep them unspoken, I feel like, “HOW CAN THIS POSSIBLY BE RESOLVED?? HOW CAN WE POSSIBLY LIVE THIS WAY??”
2. I can’t believe it, but it’s likely that I’ll have similar topics with my own children. Just statistically speaking.
3. I don’t know what to do about nutcake relatives. I am lucky that I have only one (so far) and that he mostly keeps his nutcakery to himself—but when he posts during an election that it’s down to, and I quote, “the b*tch or the n**ger,” I find it very hard to locate the line at which I formally and with a notary public present cut myself off from him. And he’s a generation older than me and has no children (THANK GOD THE GENES WILL DIE OUT), so I suspect I and my cousins/siblings are going to be faced with his old-age care, and THEN what??
OMG, Swistle, your relationship with your mom is pretty much EXACTLY like the one I have with a great majority of my family. We get along, we can vacation together, go shopping together, have a fucking BLAST together, as long as we don’t talk about certain topics. And when we DO happen to broach one of those topics, it’s so profoundly disappointing and jarring that we can get along so well when we have these MASSIVE differences in opinion about really important issues. Urgh!
A lot of your post rang true with me, especially the parts about grudges, ignoring problems, silence, and less than stellar communication skills (and also wishing your family life was more like the Huxtables). Without getting into a lot of detail, with my mom, knowing what little I know about her (awful) childhood, I know the very limited emotional skill set she had in the first place. And, even though I feel sometimes that the way she raised me did some serious damage, I know she did a HELL of a lot better with me than her family did with her. She did the best that she could with what she was given. In fact, she did awesome, considering.
So, if it makes sense, knowing this, I can only do an even better job with my own kids. Long story short (too late)… I think that your worry that you will pass on the negative behavior through your relationship with Sadie means that, one: you recognize the negative behavior as, you know, negative, and, thus, two: you won’t pass it on through your relationship with Sadie.
Oh, and I think everyone’s got a bad seed in the family who they like to pretend doesn’t exist. I had to cut a jackass uncle out of my life. The last straw was driving from the airport with him to another uncle’s (his brother’s) funeral wherein he essentially said (out loud, to me, his – and his dead brother’s – niece) that the deceased had it coming because of bad blood in a shared business deal. I still can’t believe that happened. So, yeah, blood bonds sometimes mean absolute squat.
I have a friend who has a good relationship with his parents, and he’ll bitch about them, but it’s always stupid stuff, like they always call the wrong cell phone number or something — and it makes me feel like, hey, I can deal with it if Sadie’s biggest complaint about me is that I just do that annoying parent stuff that every parent does. I just want to make sure to get the big stuff right, and I suppose that is possible (unlike my unrealistic expectation that she will think I’m perfect) (Although I am) (HA).
I think there’s a definite place where you draw the line, but it varies for each person and each relationship. As you said, many people will put up with shit from family members for which they’d usually cut a fool. I have never had this “family before all else” notion instilled in my brain. I have friends who are closer to me than blood relatives and I’m much more likely to go out on a limb for them than I would for some dumb ass cousin that I’ve seen twice in the last 5 years.
It may be a very selfish perspective, but I draw the line when there is no real benefit to me or my husband from the relationship. If that person is hell to deal with, isn’t nice to me or people I care about, can’t be concerned with respecting me and my beliefs, etc then they are not worth having in my life. Obviously everyone has flaws, and that’s OK – I have more than most. But when those negative aspects start to outweigh the positive aspects I am more than ready to cut the cord. I am supremely anti-drama and I mean it seriously. I don’t need other people’s bullshit.
And neither do you.
Thanks. It’s tough when it comes to Sadie, because the one destructive relative I referred to up there acts as though he/she should be trusted around my kid just because he/she is family (sorry for the pronoun thing; just trying to keep shit anonymous), but FUCK NO. Why should I let my guard down around someone I wouldn’t normally let come around my kid AT ALL if it weren’t for the fact that we’re related? Adding to the problem is that the other members of the family act like I’m a huge monster for not trusting this person, and I am so tired of defending myself. But I do, because dude, it’s SADIE. I am not fucking this up or taking chances because some toxic person thinks I owe it to them. FUCK NO.
argh, there is a reason I always forward your posts to my UBER-Catholic family husband. The lack of speaking about super super important topics to “keep the peace” is insane and maddening, but I’m just the in-law…
Oh, my friend. OH, MY FRIEND. Can I just TELL YOU how many conversations about “keeping the peace” we’ve had in our household when it comes to dealing with my family? LOTS. And it always has a lot to do about the fact that I have chosen to leave the church and not raise my daughter Catholic. Allow me to share that I operated under the “keeping the peace” objective for nearly a decade, and it was the worst, most self-destructive thing I could have done. Once I knew a shorty was coming into the picture, I knew I had to be honest with everyone. And despite the fact that they seriously disagree with me, it is a HUGE relief to be open about things. Once things were out there, they could get mad about it & deal with it, but at least I knew that THEY knew where I really stood on everything.
I also know what it’s like to be the in-law in CRAZY FAMILY DYNAMICS. Good luck.
Every family has their crap. I agree with the whole “obligations but because I want to be obligated to these people” thing. If that even makes sense. But anyway, I always promised myself that I would never put anything on my blog that would make my family want to disown me, which really limits my material. Because despite how much I love my family, there are issues, because every family has their crap (see how vague I’m being, just in case?).
Anyway, I also wanted to tell you when Sophia said “We do for family.” Because I have watched so much TV in my life, I appreciated every TV reference in this post, and I feel like I should give back. So, in the first season, Blanche’s grandson is going to come visit because his parents are trying to work through their problems, and Dorothy’s all mad because she’s studying for some French exam. I swear, this is true. And that’s when Sophia says it. And then he comes and Sophia and Dorothy have to share a bed. That’s the Golden Girls way!
Haha! I knew you’d know. And THANK YOU, because I knew it had something to do with someone visiting, but I could not for the life of me figure it out, and it was driving me nuts.
Oh, and I applaud you being able to stay silent about family stuff on your blog. I try (tried?), but it’s hard when it’s such a HUGE fucking part of what’s going on, you know? And seeing as how this blog is my therapy, I fold sometimes & reveal maybe more than I should.
No applause necessary. It’s easy to do when most of your blog readers are the immediate family members you live with and you don’t want to be homeless or live with even more uncomfortable silences. And when you’re a wuss!
Actually, it’s really hard because shouldn’t I be able to bitch about whatever I want to on my blog? If not there, then where? I do find myself taking a lot out on fellow drivers…
First of all, I totally passed you through my genitals. HELLO – 1997, Montell Jordan was playing, and I believe a box of wine was involved.
Secondly, you know we have a lot of the same family challenges. In fact our challenges seem more similar to me all the time. I’m wishing you some peace in this department. But here is what I do know: you’ll never pass that crap on to Sadie. You’ve had too many years of recognizing what was going on to ever do that to the Bug. I know this in my heart. And I love you.
I LOVE YOU, GURL.
And yes, when M-Jo and boxed wine was involved, I’m pretty sure we all passed each other through our genitals. AAA-OOO!
Two things:
1) Every family has *some* hot mess of dysfunction. Even the Obamas with their vegetable gardens and curly haired dog and living in the White House-business.
2) I snort laughed that somehow a mention of Montell Jordan made it into the Comments. In fact, I’m still laughing. That shit was funny.
Chicago Friend of Said Turkey is funnier than SHIT, and that is on the real.
I know in my brain that every family has their dysfunction, but in my heart I just want everything to be perfect. Because, you know, that’s a healthy, reasonable expectation and all.
I incorporate Montell Jordan into every conversation possible b/c this is how I do it.
lulz.
Possibly moving around so much has insulated my immediate family from much of the dysfunction that seems to crop up when there are multiple family members in a small radius. I don’t know. All I know is that every single member of my family–aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. (both mother’s and father’s sides)–is a functioning adult with jobs and kids and a fairly normal lifestyle. Though there are some alcoholics, but even THEY seem to be functioning alcoholics.
Then there’s the family I married into. Constant drama. I really don’t understand it, and it can really drive me crazy. But this family really does stand by each other and help each other out, which I think is a very positive thing. My family is not forgiving of screw ups, which can be both good and bad, I guess.
Sometimes I think families who have a lot of drama like & rely on the drama b/c that’s the only way they know how to relate to each other. To outsiders, this looks crazy. BECAUSE IT IS.
ACK! God damned weekend away visiting family – now I’m late commenting! It’s not that I have anything deeply illuminating to add, I just wanted to mention that I recently read the book Beautiful Boy written by the father of a meth addict and it about tore my heart out – the thought that my kids might get involved in something so terrible that I’d have to cut contact with them in order to perhaps save their lives is beyond my capacity to even consider right at this point.
Also, my father-in-law is the person in our lives who is constantly a mess and has been since he hit my mother-in-law, became an alcoholic, and left my husband’s family when my husband was 12. It takes almost everything I have to be civil to the man who made my husband’s life hell when he was still a boy. I do it only because my husband wants to have some kind of relationship with him. On the plus side, my husband is an awesome dad because when he is confused about what he should do, he can always find the right answer by thinking “what would my dad have done” and doing the exact opposite.
In my family we talk about NOTHING and avoid EVERYTHING, and the fact that we all do it to the same extent makes it…work really well! Even though it’s pretty dysfunctional when you step back and take a look at it! Hooray!