Well, look who it is: Little Miss I PROBABLY WON’T BE BLOGGING REGULARLY FOR A WHILE.
It’s OK. I deserve it.
(Guys, WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE BACKGROUND?!)
First of all, the red beans and rice turned out beautifully, with one exception: my friends, my digestive system cannot handle a dinner of fucking BEANS, which became apparent to me immediately after eating. I still feel as though I just ate dinner, and that was 19 HOURS AGO. I just cannot eat that many beans in one sitting. I would make a terrible old-timey hobo.
Before my regretful (but delicious) dinner, I was watching Napoleon Dynamite while running on the treadmill (YES, I run now, but I’m totally lame at it and I only do it because I can watch movies while I do it). I used to watch that movie whenever it was on TV (which was A LOT), but I hadn’t seen it in a while. I got to the “Pedro offers you his protection” part, and began to wonder where I could find a car like that.
Why do I want a car like it? Well, it’s awesome, for one. But–like Pedro’s cousins–I would also like to use it to loiter menacingly around a school, intimidating those who act a fool and try to abuse others. Why would I want to do that? Oh, maybe because there is a little boy at Sadie’s school who has been hitting her on the reg for the better part of a year and I am about to WEAR IT OUT ON HIM?!?!
Here’s what you should know: this child has been problematic for a while now, constantly hitting other kids and disobeying the teachers and being generally disruptive. He does not have any sort of behavioral disorder, but what he DOES have are two parents who don’t believe in telling him “NO.” Ever. I’m not exaggerating; I have been told this by the teachers — the teachers who SURE DON’T APPRECIATE having to deal with a child who has no concept of how to operate around others. He gets put in time-outs at school, but doesn’t really care (why should he? It’s a probably a fucking novelty seeing as how it never happens at home), and once he’s done his time, he continues to hit and kick and refuse to listen to anyone but himself. GOOD FUCKING TIMES.
Also? He’s over four years old and refuses to uses the toilet. Refuses. Just doesn’t want to. The teachers try, but he’s strong and can resist them (not to mention he isn’t made to use the toilet at home) . His parents have been called on more than one occasion when he’s soiled himself and refuses to let the teachers clean him up. HE’S A PEACH.
This kid–lets call him Frank–and Sadie have been going to school together for a while. I know Frank had some trouble listening and obeying when he and Sadie were both much smaller frys, but they always enjoyed playing together. And they still do! Until, inevitably, Frank hits her. A few months ago, he punched her in the HEAD when she walked around a pole in the “wrong” direction. Last Friday, he spit on her. “On my NEW SHIRT, Mama,” she told me, with an incredulous look on her face.
So, on the one hand, I understand that Sadie will encounter this type of jerky behavior (and will generate some of her own) all throughout her life, and she will have to deal with it. I can’t protect her from everything. Also, school is the teachers’ domain; they are responsible for doling out the discipline, and they do, repeatedly, and are very transparent with us about what Frank does to Sadie. On the other hand?
My daughter is three years old. She should not have to deal with the looming threat of physical violence each time she is as school. FURTHERMORE, I should not have to feel as though sending her to school means sending her off to be some jerk’s punching bag from 8-5. I get that the teachers are doing all that they can do (they can’t very well discipline him UNTIL he does something, but by then MY KID HAS ALREADY BEEN FUCKING HIT), and it’s clear that the parents don’t give a good goddamn, so what do I do?!
On Friday night when Sadie told me that Frank spit on her shirt, I tried to come up with a response that let her know I was unhappy without showing her how FUCKING LIVID I was about all of this. “That makes me really unhappy, baby,” I said, and I saw her face immediately dissolve into worry. OH GREAT. SHE THINKS I’M UNHAPPY WITH HERRRRRR NO NO NO NOOOO! I backpedaled the shit out of that right quick, telling her instead that I’m very unhappy with Frank, and I get sad whenever her friends aren’t nice to her. I told her she has to tell her teachers EACH AND EVERY TIME Frank acts up with her, and she said she does (and I know she does — and 99% of the time, the teachers are on the alert with Frank and end up seeing the whole incident anyway), but Internet, telling her that and hoping for the best DOES NOT FEEL LIKE ENOUGH. I would talk to Frank’s parents, but what would that do? Even if they wanted to modify his behavior (FAT FUCKING CHANCE), they’re not the ones monitoring him at school. I will tell you this, though: if I am ever around when that child lays a hand on my daughter, I will not hesitate to place my face two inches from his and employ the Scarily Calm and Dead Serious Adult Voice to let him know IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that he is never allowed to do that again. In short, I would threaten his ass, because I know his teachers are precluded from doing so.
I just have to repeat right here that this child PUNCHED MY DAUGHTER IN THE HEAD.
Actually, after the punching incident, Brad told Sadie that it was OK to defend herself whenever Frank hit her. In other words, if he hits you, lay his ass out and we’ll see how long the hitting continues after that. I am aware that some of you may find that advice appalling; as for me…I’m torn about it. On the one hand, I know it’s a bit confusing for her because her teachers and parents tell her NEVER TO HIT, and since I have a RULE-OBEYING CHILD, this seems wrong to her…but on the other hand?
I want to raise a gentle, kind, and respectful child — and I have to say that I honestly believe I am (thanks in part to me and Brad, but thanks also in large part to the fact that she is just a gentle soul to begin with), but by that same token, I don’t want to raise a fucking doormat. If someone regularly hauls off and hits you across the face, I am not sure how long TAKING ALL THEIR CRAP is going to be a viable solution.
I don’t know, Internet. This one has me stymied and (obviously) all het up. I know one thing for sure, though: HEY FRANK:
Not sure what kind of school / day care Sadie is in, but have you spoken with the director/principal about having the child moved somewhere else? The only reason I ask is b’c we had a spitter/hitter in our daycare, in class with my daughter, and it was a similar situation. My daughter got stabbed with the kid’s fork, spit on, punched, slapped, etc. NOT cool. I had many a chat with the director, and teachers. And we contemplated finding a new school. The director finally told the child’s parents that this school was not a good fit and they would need to look for additional care as of such and such a date. He was gone within two weeks. Strangely enough he is now in my daughter’s before/after school place [they are in 2nd grade now] and he is a much different kid. Maybe Frank just needs a different school that can handle him differently? In the meantime, I’m with Brad – she has to know she can stand up for herself, even if it means getting in Frank’s face and giving him a thumping. I’m sure she will grow to understand that sometimes telling the teacher isn’t enough, and sometimes it’s okay to break the rules.
Well, I know the school has a policy in place that enables them to give a particularly disruptive kid the heave-ho (and I think Frank fits the bill there), BUT it’s a very, very small, home-based place, and I think they kinda need all the revenue they can get. That being said, I know Frank is only part-time, and I know they’ve had to turn away some other families b/c there hasn’t been enough room for their kids. I think I will talk to the director/teachers if this continues, because DAMN.
Anyway, thanks for the comment — it helps very much to hear from someone who has been there.
Oh you’ve hit a nerve here. Am probably going to rant more than you are even remotely interested in – sorry in advance.
When oldest was in daycare I actually made another 3 YO boy cry because he was acting all kinds of bad towards my son for weeks and did it one day when I was there. I got in his face and let him know that was not ok in probably the meanest voice I’ve ever used. Sort of unintentionally, but damn, he poked the mama bear.
Fast forward 5 years later and youngest is in the same daycare as oldest was (they are 6 years apart in age) and she was being bit by another girl early and often. After the other girl broke the skin, my husband and I met with the head of the daycare center and flat out asked when the hell enough was enough. I mean, I get that the other girl’s parents were struggling with her behavior and I feel for them, but fuck, we pay $1,100 a month for my daughter to go to school there and there is no way in hell that was going to continue if Lady Bitsalot continued to be in her class or anywhere near her. I don’t think I’ve ever been so mad in my entire life. It’s a private companyl, they don’t have to keep kids who are consistently hurting other kids. I’m not sure if they asked the girl to leave or if her parents just pulled her out, but she doesn’t go there anymore and I’d like to say I feel a bit bad about it. But I don’t. Like not at all. A 3 YO should not have to deal with physical bullshit like that on the reg.
Yeah, we pay WAY TOO MUCH to have to wonder if our kid is going to make it through the day un-slapped or un-spit-upon. I don’t get the feeling Frank’s parents struggle with his behavior at all. I’ve seen them with him, and they just basically sit back and let him call the shots. Don’t want to leave school? FINE! I’ll just sit here for however long until you’re ready to go. Want to run out into the street instead of getting into the car? NO PROBLEM, knock yourself out. They really never say no.
I’m with Jackee: HEEEEEEEEEEELL NO!
That is bullshit of the highest order. And correct me if I’m wrong, but this is preschool that you pay for? Meaning they can kick his assaulting ass out with good cause? And have not done so? And now I (a stranger you’ve never met and who doesn’t live your life) will tell you what to do: I think you need to start complaining in writing about every single incident. The teachers’ hands are tied. They are very limited in what they can do and nobody cares about their complaints. They are probably PRAYING for someone to make a stink about this kid. Parents’ complaints are taken much more seriously. Especially parents’ repeated complaints: the powers-that-be need to figure out that you’re not going away.
And…end rant. Take all of this screeching, hand-flapping with a grain of salt because I do realize that you know the situation far better than I do, and will absolutely do what is best for Sadie.
You guys are seriously empowering me to GET SHIT DONE w/r/t this kid. I have actually never asked if he beats on any other kids, but I’m sure he does. I will definitely start putting things in writing and making sure my complaints are heard. I do in fact pay for this school, and it is otherwise a totally lovely place.
I was just about to say, Put that shit in Writing!! I am a new momma, our girl is almost 8 months old and in daycare when i work. If this happened, I would go banana’s, so you are SO right with losing your shmidt. I also worked in Social Services and I learned, if it isn’t in writing, it didn’t happen. So document everything. Go back and try to document the past, and keep a log of the recent events. Hopefully you won’t have to do it very long, because your girl doesn’t deserve to go to school in fear of what may happen that day. In this day in age, bullying shouldn’t be tolerated. Write it all day, have a talk with other parents, and arrange a meeting with the powers that be. Throw the “rules book” at them about this, i am sure it’s in your manual or whatever! DO it Now!
Oddly enough, I do feel kinda sad for the kid, he has no idea how to act right and his parents don’t care. But YOU care about yours so…get on it momma, you got this!
So, we’ve had similar situations and my husband has done the same thing. He gave our kid his permission to hit back, if the situation arises. We walk through the procedure – tell him to stop, walk away, tell a teacher, and THEN hit if it doesn’t stop. Honestly, most people would frown on this, but like you, I’m not willing to let him be a victim at school. Strong language? Maybe, but I’m not teaching him that obeying the rules means that you get the crap beaten out of you. No, I won’t let him be a kid who’s afraid to go to school.
I am in agreement on the idea of teaching kids, especially girls, that if they’re being physically attacked, they can go right ahead and defend themselves—especially when current social norms seem to be prohibiting anyone ELSE from defending them. I’m a rule-follower, and I hate to see Sadie get into trouble—but my guess is that the teachers will not be hard on her, knowing the situation as they do. I might even tell them in advance something like, “Listen, we know your hands are tied with Frank. This has been going on a long time, though, and although of course we want Sadie to follow the school rules, we’re also trying to teach her that if someone physically attacks her, she should defend herself.” This would be my eyebrows-raised way of telling them, “Look. You are not protecting her. You are making me teach my small child to defend HERSELF. So you BEST NOT be on her case when she DOES what you CAN’T.”
Also, as a former daycare worker, I do recommend making a careful, professional, in-writing stink after each incident. The other child’s parents may be motivated to take more of an interest if they keep losing their daycare accommodations—and your daycare may be more inclined to listen carefully if they realize they might keep the violent kid’s monthly payments at the cost of several other kids’ payments.
We had the same situation in daycare with our oldest and the child was asked to leave because he tried to choke a child, but what was really disturbing was that when he choked the child he said that is what happened to him at home. Which is disgusting, obviously. Now that our oldest is in third grade she still sometimes has issues because she is just too darn nice and cute for her own good. But we have told her the same advice, lay a child out. If the child has caused bodily harm, and you have tired to get away and the child continues his/her assaulting behavior lay them out. She has had to implement in on one occasion. She never got in trouble for it and the child has not bothered her any more. So I guess it works. Just stinks that people in general can not learn the in no explicit terms are you to lay your hands on someone else. Use your words for the love of pete!
Oh man. There’s lots of good advice already, and I don’t really have any. But I will say that I’m TERRIFIED my oldest son is going to be one of these hitting kids. He’s just SO physical already–despite the fact that I am totally not–and it makes me fear for him in a social setting.
Though he’s never actually smacked another kid and he’s only three, so I have to hope his control will only get better.
Anyway, this is about Sadie. And at this point I would totally tell her to slap that jerk right across his face if he touches her again. No point in pulling punches here. (Sorry–couldn’t resist.)
When i was in 4th grade, my dad gave me permission to hit back. After one hit back, the kid never bothered me again EVER at all not even a little bit.
It was contrary to my personality to fight, but one punch in the stomach and we had no problems ever again.
I completely agree with everyone else. Absolutely document everything and file written complaints. Also, I would have no problem telling one of my girls to hit back if she needed to. I would never want my girls to feel scared at school like I used to. So by all means – what did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!
Here’s hoping it doesn’t come to that and Frank gets kicked out on his poopy pants arse!
My oldest was in daycare from 9 months to 16 months old- when he got kicked out for biting. At 16 months old, his biting was clearly just his way of expressing frustration, anxiety, not being able to vocalize his feelings. In no way was he like a four year old who could make decisions about wrong behavior, he was really still just a baby (my baby!). And you know what? We didn’t blame the daycare one bit for telling us they couldn’t care for him anymore. Because- yo, they have to look out for the well being of the wee CHILDREN in their care. This kind of behavior from a child that is four+ years old is just not acceptable in a daycare situation, and really should not be tolerated- three strikes you’re out and all that.
In our case, we found an in home baby sitter, and he never bit anyone at the sitters. Not once- he just needed a different setting and it worked better for all concerned. Because no one was getting bitten.
Amen to all of the above! Our guy (15 now), is and always has been waaay smaller than everyone his own age, and a rule-follower to boot. We told him to start with the teachers, but if that failed, don’t be afraid to fight back (even though I was terrified that would rest in him getting flattened). He never had to get physical, but knowing we’d back him up gave him the guts to call other kids on their behavior. Also, one of the best moments in my mothering life was arriving at the library to pick him up one afternoon, to find the most annoying bully of all on top of him, pinning him down. I didn’t say a word, just stood over them until the brat noticed me looming. He scampered off right quick.
You’re doing great with that amazing girl, keep it up!
OK, for problem #1: Beano
Problem #2: I like everyone’s suggestion to talk to the director. If there are other kids that could fill Frank’s spot, then they should kick his ass out. How are the teachers able to do anything else beyond watching and disciplining this brat?
I’m totally on board with the letting her hit him back thing. The problem is that our society seems to expect us to be doormats. It kills me to think of the times at work when I got hell for yelling BACK at someone after taking their verbal abuse for weeks. Or I was told that “we’ve spoken to so-and-so about her bad behavior repeatedly, and she still hasn’t changed, so you’re just going to have to be the bigger person” translation: she’s a crazy asshole, so tough shit.
It sucks that she’s having to find that balance between being a doormat and being punished for standing up for herself. She’s freaking three. I really hope that they can expel him.
First of all: Bette Davis.
Second: Uncle Rico throwing a steak at Napolean will never NOT make me pee myself.
Third: Buster the Rabbit. Nicely done.
Most importantly: T and I have talked about this (without Ezra present) and we’re both of the same mind that, yeah, punch the dink. With the same protocol of Use Your Words and Tell the Teacher and then Do What You Need To Do. And somehow, like Swistle mentions, I feel even more strongly about this with Iris. I want Ezra and Iris to know how to treat others with kindness above anything else, but I also want them to be able to feel safe.
In junior high there was this total weasel who was ALWAYS giving me hassle. It wasn’t hurtful, but really, really irritating and annoying and he was just a jerk. One day while we were waiting for the bus outside in the winter, I totally snapped. I pushed him down flat and kicked him with my boot. He never bothered me again.
Everyone’s already given great advice, but a Mr. Poopypants (and his parents) are gonna have a hell of awakening once he starts kindergarten if he doesn’t get over himself. Because, seriously. Use the dang toilet.
I don’t run, but I do have an elliptical that I plopped down DIE-RECTLY in front of the television because I know I WILL NOT keep with it unless there is a carrot dangling other than, you know, MY HEALTH.
That Jackée gif is glorious.
Living in Utah, Napoleon Dynamite was required viewing since the guys were locals and all. I actually know a girl who is married to one of the producers and she is a dick. But the movie is still pretty awesome.
As for Sadie, I think telling her she can defend herself is totally fine. That kid needs someone to show him what’s up. I’d do it myself if I weren’t, you know, thousands of miles away.
I’m coming a little late to this post and it’s probably already been said a zillion times, but I have to say – I wish more little girls were raised to believe it’s OK to enforce boundaries using necessary force. Hell, I wish I was raised to believe it’s OK to enforce boundaries using necessary force. I can’t imagine trying to find the line as a parent, though. (Mazel tov.)